No, Really Folks! I mean, Seriously!

Websters New Words

2009-07-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

New words in the dictionary

Here are some of the new words, along with the year in which Merriam-Webster researchers first found them used in an English-language publication, and their meanings:

Acai (1868): a small dark purple fleshy berrylike fruit of a tall slender palm (Euterpe oleracea) of tropical Central and South America that is often used in beverages.

Carbon footprint (1999): the negative impact that something (as a person or business) has on the environment; specifically: the amount of carbon emitted by something during a given period.

Cardioprotective (1984): serving to protect the heart.
Earmark (15c): a provision in Congressional legislation that allocates a specified amount of money for a specific project, program, or organization.

Fan fiction (1944): stories involving popular fictional characters that are written by fans and often posted on the Internet.

Flash mob (1987): a group of people summoned (as by e-mail or text message) to a designated location at a specified time to perform an indicated action before dispersing.

Frenemy (1977): one who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy.

Goji (2003): the dark red mildly tart berry of a thorny chiefly Asian shrub (Lycium barbarum) that is typically dried and used in beverages.

Green-collar (1990): of, relating to, or involving actions for protecting the natural environment.
Haram (1979): forbidden by Islamic law.

Locavore (2005): one who eats foods grown locally whenever possible.

Memory foam (1987): a dense polyurethane foam that becomes more pliable when in contact with heat.

Missalette (1973): a shortened form of a missal published periodically for congregational use.

Naproxen (1971): an analgesic and antipyretic NSAID C14H14O3 often used in the form of its sodium salt.

Neuroprotective (1987): serving to protect neurons from injury or degeneration. drugs>

Pharmacogenetics (1960): the study of how genetic differences among individuals cause varied responses to a drug.

Physiatry (1947): physical medicine and rehabilitation.

Reggaeton (2003): popular music of Puerto Rican origin that combines rap with Caribbean rhythms.

Shawarma (1953): a sandwich esp. of sliced lamb or chicken, vegetables, and often tahini wrapped in pita bread.

Sock puppet (1959): a false online identity used for deceptive purposes.

Staycation (2005): a vacation spent at home or nearby.

Vlog (2002): a blog that contains video material.

Waterboarding (2004): an interrogation technique in which water is forced into a detainee's mouth and nose so as to induce the sensation of drowning.

Webisode (1996): an episode esp. of a TV show that may or may not have been telecast but can be viewed at a Web site.

Zip line (1984): a cable suspended above an incline to which a pulley and harness are attached for a rider.

Additional Wordplay

2009-06-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

Guiltar: a musical instrument whose strings are pulled by your mother.

Goodzilla: a giant lizard that puts out forest fires by stamping on them.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham Palace.

Governmend: Trying to fix everything through politics.

Fleezing: Running for your life, in the cold.

African Violent: How government blossoms on that continent.

Photographt: Using a fake ID to cash bad checks.

Electrocity: Using energy for war crimes and other evil purposes.

Republicant: "Small government" hypocrisy.

Democrant: Screaming about "unfairness" and "social justice".

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Wise words from Mensa

2008-07-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the Bozone layer, unfor-tunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

1. coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, (adj.) impotent.
6. negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, ( n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Quote of the Day

2008-05-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the expectation of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body; but rather to "skid-in" sideways - Dink in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow, What a Ride"

~unknown, but very wise

Gotta love My Marine Corps!

2008-04-24T07:58:00.001-07:00

There is something to be said about knowing exactly where you are

2008-04-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is befitting of the Creepy Little Mind

2008-04-10T14:35:00.001-07:00

Am I going to be the only person who finds this hilarious?

Brilliance!

2008-04-10T14:33:00.001-07:00

From once of my favorites: lefthandedtoons.com

Phrase of the Day

2008-04-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

...I'm going to show you some love like a new guy in prison...

Burn Out

2008-03-03T04:29:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Signs You’re Burnt Out

You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!”
Your garbage can /is/ your inbox.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
You sleep more at work than at home.
You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven’t been able to miss a meeting.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Voting for a woman? What...are you CRAZY?

2008-02-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

OK, so I thought that the voting age in this country was set to make sure that those who vote are grownups. I know, I know...not everyone is a grown up at 18. But...

Why is it that by virtue of being a woman and a registered Democrat (Ugh! Why do I even have to register as an anything in the first place...ok, wrong soapbox), I am expected to vote for the woman who is running? I mean, C'mon folks...Really? What happens if I just happen to be Hispanic? The Hispanic guy who was running dropped out of the race. Now what? Am I just supposed not vote, or is there some other type of hierarchy that I'm supposed to follow? So are the only people who have an actual choice White, Christian (or at least Born-again, whatever that is), white-collar, etc, etc?

So, can someone explain to me like a two-year old what I'm supposed to do? For the record, I am:

A Woman
Hispanic
Marine
...and don't forget the good old Lesbo part.... (Which I have to admit is the most fun!)

I wonder if we can put Clinton, Richardson, and McCain in a blender and mix 'em all up and spit out an appropriate choice for me to vote on. Ugh!

But wait a sec. I just realized that I am missing representation here...where is the token Lesbo? Shit...how can we vote appropriately without the tokens? Should I run? Hell, why not! Katia for Prez!!! Look, Ma..my very own helicopter, airplane, office, and everything else. I can create world peace; abolish all weapons, green vegetables, bad music, and weirdoes! Yippee!

I'll be able to push my own agenda regardless of whatever anyone thinks. Ha Ha, too late, I'm in. Joke is on you.

I'll be able to outlaw ugly people driving convertibles, old men wearing spandex, and Halliburton. The Bad Boyz of Blackwater and their cohorts will actually be offered rules of engagement and, well, just Rules in General prior to being sent off to play cowboys with really cool guns for lots of money. I'll declare the Chihuahua as the national dog, popcorn as its own food group, and I'll even fine companies who outsource to foreign countries when there are resources available domestically.

And when I get caught lying to my people, I’ll find something else to get them worried about to distract them from the fact that I lied in the first place. Amazing how I can do that again and again.

I guessed I just digressed into some kind of fantasy world. Sorry about that. I mean, THAT could NEVER happen, huh!

Back to the point. What was the point? Exactly...

Things I DON'T Love...

2008-01-16T23:06:00.000-08:00

Lies

Texting an entire conversation

More lies

Gangster Rap

Deception (similar to lies, but even more deceitful)

Getting out of control (face it, we all do at times)

Loud, obnoxious, undisciplined kids

Undisciplined pets

more to come, I'm sure....

Even MORE Things I Love...

2008-01-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

Reading a very good book on a nice sunny day in a park in a chair, while watching people having fun

My dog

Watching the snow fall (from a nice warm place, of course)

Challenges

Shooting pool

Blowing bubbles

Singing at the top of my lungs when I'm alone in my car, and then laughing when I get caught at the red light

Meeting new and interesting people

Traveling to places I've never been before

Completing a project that was challenging

Did I mention my dog?

Laughing until my eyes tear up

Cooking just about anything

My family, yep, that's right...ALL of them

Crawling into my wonderful bed when I'm exhausted

Ok, crawling into my wonderful bed anytime

Laughing at myself

Last Year revisited

2008-01-16T16:47:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I lied. 2008 has proven to begin just as badly as 2007 ended. Of course, can't blame anywone else for my poor decision making, nevertheless, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP &^%#q&*^&(!!!!

Hypothetically speaking

2008-01-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

In reference to http://mynerdythoughts.blogspot.com/2007/08/rules-for-being-marines-daughter-part-i.html, I have a hypothetical situation in which being a Marine’s Daughter (as well as a former Marine myself) I must share…

The names and circumstances in this post are hypothetical only, and may have hypothetically been changed in order to protect the innocent, or even the not-so-innocent.

So, hypothetically speaking, what would it be like if this Marine’s daughter was to visit the local jail after a not so impressive car accident (I’ll leave the reason for the invitation to the local jail up for one’s imagination)?

Well, from what I have heard….socks are a strong commodity to have while paying a short visit to the local county jail. Evidently, warm socks are not issued to visitors…and if one happens to be wearing warm, thick socks that happen to be white in color, the said person may option to continue wearing the aforementioned warm, thick socks if he or she chooses, during his or her visit.

And, hypothetically speaking of course, what would happen if, while taking a little nap while visiting the local county jail after a non-impressive car accident, the Marine’s daughter opened her eyes only to find two other local county jail visitors staring down at her…well, suffice to say, this is how the (fictional, of course) story would go:

Marine’s Daughter: Can I help you?

Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Nice socks.

Other Tall, Mean looking Visitor: Yeah. Nice Socks. We are taking them from you.

Marine’s Daughter: Ok. But I would really hate to end up with a manslaughter charge while I am visiting this fine facility.

Marine’s Daughter stands up, only to find that she is lacking in stature and required to look up at these other two visitors.

Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: What do you mean?

Other Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Manslaughter? What the hell you talking about, whitebread?

Marine’s Daughter: Well, besides the fact that I am a former United States Marine, I am also a Retired United States Marine’s daughter. And although the Marine Corps definitively taught me how to protect myself, my father taught me not to stop until all breathing, except mine ceases to exist. In other words, I can protect myself from you, but I don’t have any brakes. Hence the Manslaughter charge.

Both Tall, Mean Looking Visitors look at each other, shrug, and quietly back away.

Interesting thing, though. No one else would approach the Marine’s Daughter for the duration of her visit. Hmmmm.

Thanks, Dad. Sempre Fi.

Me and Mine

2008-01-16T12:44:00.001-08:00

More things I love....

2008-01-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Unique Beauty and Unbridled Passion...in all its glory

Candlelight, especially from the smelly candles

Screaming on a roller coaster

Making people laugh

That peaceful, easy feeling

A good cigar with a good drink after a good meal

Babies, of all varieties

Very Sick and inappropriate jokes

A good competition

Foggy nights

Breakfast in bed...ok...well, just about anything in bed for that matter

French Vanilla coffee creamer

and...just in case you are paying attention (yes, you know who you are), I love motorcycle rides.

Last Year

2008-01-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

This drawing depicts 2007 for me.

I am happy to report that I no longer think that I can fly.

Nevertheless, I will probably keep on trying.

Welcome to 2008.

Thanks to Justin at http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/139/ for this picture.

Things I love...

2008-01-04T13:57:00.000-08:00

Listening to the rain with my windows open

That slow intimate kiss before going to sleep

The sun on my face

Sharing popcorn with my dog

A good cup of coffee first thing in the morning

Holding Hands

That look from across the room

Unspoken communication

Going home

Conquer the world?

2008-01-04T12:04:00.000-08:00

I have to completely disagree with this. I believe that conquering the world with any kind of army is an appropriate career choice. I mean, really. C'mon folks...who wouldn't want to run around, especially with an army of flying monkeys, brandishing the golden staff, pounding on the well developed chest, and screaming platitudes of and about yourself! Do you think that potential employers would get it if I put this as an objective on my resume?

Running with Scissors

2007-11-15T06:27:00.000-08:00

I have read this before, and it is sooooo true:

Those Born 1920-1979 ---VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever ! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

Ok, Kids...you can do drugs AND play professional ball!

2007-11-14T12:57:00.001-08:00

Ready to run again? NFL reinstates Ricky

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21086686/

This guy was suspended in 2004 after violating the NFL drug policy the fourth time. Let me repeat that... after the fourth time.

At what point are we going to explain to young athletes that there are PERMANENT ramifications to breaking the rules. I mean, really. So, Williams is suspended, and then goes to play in the Canadian Football League. Wow, man! Serious consequences he head to deal with. THE GUY WAS STILL PLAYING PROFESSIONAL BALL!!

Can someone please explain to me like a two year old why this guy is still allowed to play professional ball, and more importantly, how anyone expects young athletes to take breaking the rules seriously?

Sex of the two-wheeled type

2007-11-14T12:44:00.001-08:00

Man who had sex with bicycle sentenced

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/11/14/nbikesex114.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox

So, there is this guy across the pond who was so enthralled by his bicycle, he decided it was time to consummate the relationship.

"The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems, and he was placed under the supervision of a social worker and warned that if he re-offended he would be sent to prison."

I would like to think that there was an alternative problem, aside that one of actually (somehow) fornicating with not only an inanimate object, but one that has moving parts that might actually HURT! Now, I certainly do not mean to offend my BDSM friends out there, but a BICYCLE?

Incidentally, I giggled furiously as I read this article. Who needs waterboarding when you can have a spinning bicycle tire?

Drunken Elephants

2007-10-23T11:03:00.001-07:00

Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21432722/

So, who knew that rice beer can get an elephant drunk? Is there such a thing as tromping under the influence? Can they have their walking licenses revoked? And, WHO pays the fines?

"But, I swear Officer..I only had two (tons) drinks!"

The thought of giant mice and dogs...

2007-10-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

The Bad Boyz of Blackwater

2007-10-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

To make things perfectly clear, I am in no way supporting the U.S. occupation of Iraq. And for those of you who insist on calling our involvement in Iraq a war, let me remind you of something: Congress has not declared War; Congress just let two out of control power freaks with a hidden agenda loose on another country.

However, I am very much in support of out active duty and former military.

The Iraqi government is outraged over a shooting that took place involving Blackwater employees. And, the Iraqi government is deciding to begin governing their country in respect to attempting to actually make rules of engagement for security contractors (as opposed to actually governing their own people). So the U.S. Government has implemented rules for these contractors.

I have a couple of questions here:
1. Why is the Iraqi government suddenly interested in issues involving the deaths of civilians now? I mean, they did not seem terribly interested when the deaths of civilians were the results of car bombs set of by other Iraqi’s or Iranians, or Sunnis or Shiites. Suddenly, they are pissed off at American contractors, many of whom they themselves employ for their personal protection. I mean, really Folks!

2. The U.S. Government, through whatever means they choose (I won’t even digress here because this can go into a whole other litany of soapbox blogging) contracted Blackwater for security purposes (and other stuff, I imagine). As is not surprising, the Powers-that-Be are now throwing this company under the bus. I say this while spitting out the nasty taste in my mouth that tends to appear when spineless people appear in my peripheral vision.

But, I do want to point out that this administration brought in the Bad Boyz from Blackwater, and let them loose to help them in this occupation, and now they are gasping for breath while holding they hands to their hearts and saying “Oh, my! We really should take a look at making some kind of rules for these kids!.” This is called establishing Rules of Engagement. Along with the “If we go in, how do we get out” philosophy of combat, you seem to have forgotten all about this, Mr. Bush.

One of the reasons that people go into Special Forces, Navy SEALS, etc. is because they get to legally play with firearms and blow shit up. Then, people realize that they can do this legally in a civilian force and get paid a whole lot more to do it. They get to go to an unlawful place, make their own rules and shoot guns and blow shit up, all while looking very cool. FOR A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY! To top it all off, our own media (who are ALSO probably protected by the Bad Boyz of Blackwater) call them arrogant. Now, I have no doubt that there is some arrogance involved. After all, and at the risk of being repetitive: They get to go to an unlawful place, make their own rules and shoot guns and blow shit up, all while looking very cool. FOR A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY! I can guarantee that if I was in that position at the age of, let’s say, 28-32…Hell yeah! I’d be one arrogant little prickllet!

I guess the whole point of my little tirade is that I am, once again, disgusted with the behavior of those who represent me.

So as of right now, the cost of this occupation in dollars is: $459,084,636,564, more or less. But, the intangible cost of this occupation will take generations to figure out. Not only are we going to have to re-do a whole lot of respect- gaining from the rest of the world (who, by the way, does not have short memories, as we do), we are going to have to explain how we send in our people, cut them loose to do what they want, and then punish them for doing what we asked them to do.

This all comes down to some basic models for anything. Let me give you a hint Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney:

1. When you occupy a country in the name of fighting terrorism, make sure to get there first covertly and plant some really good shit so you can have what is called evidence to back you up. Ask any big city cop: they'll show you how to do it.
2. When you send a bunch of boys and girls to the wild, wild, west, make sure you set some guidelines in place. Something like “Don’t shoot civilians” might help just a little bit. I know, I know, it’s hard to tell who the bad guys are, but perhaps you just might want to try. Just a little.
3. When your bad boyz get into a little trouble BE A FUCKING MAN AND BACK THEM UP!

Nuff said for now.

Doctors save poisoned tourist using vodka drip

2007-10-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

(http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21219366/)

A guy get poisoned from anti-freeze and ends up with a vodka drip for medicinal purposes. I wonder if I can get a rum drip for medicinal purposes. After all, this creepy little mind needs all the anesthesia it can get...

Quote of the day...

2007-10-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

Just heard this one:

You are like a velvet painting; You're not real.

Random Friday afternoon thoughts

2007-10-05T12:13:00.001-07:00

Ugly people shouldn’t be allowed to talk. I mean, really folks. He is going to say something about how other people look. Really!? No. Seriously?

Sometimes I think that the sandwich part of the sandwich is just an excuse to eat the mayonnaise.

The sound of opening a new tampon is so awkward in the office bathroom. Now everyone knows.

Atlanta is trying to outlaw baggy pants and women wearing sports bras. This is retarded. The average rating for Atlanta public schools is 3.8 out of 10. But yes, baggy pants and sports bras are worrisome too.

I played Millionaire online today…and won!

I wonder what the lyrics to ABBA's Dancing Queen are REALLY about?

OK, that's enough for now....more later. Unless I start cracking myself up again.

...And then I saw this. Sand Ninjas!

55 Fiction Friday

2007-10-05T11:47:00.001-07:00

My contribution this week for 55 Fiction Friday (http://wordybitch.blogspot.com/ )

Carefully crafting her answer, she stayed in silent thought for a few more minutes. Her suitor waited anxiously while praying for a positive response. After a few minutes, she answered, “Yes, I will”. Relief and joy showed on the suitors face. “But only if you include the luggage rack, cruise control, and a spare tire”.

Underwire Shank

2007-10-05T11:05:00.001-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21144171/

“Generally, McDonald said, undergarments aren't considered a danger to security.
"I don't think they're considered a weapon, really, the last time I looked," he said.”

OK. So a woman is trying to walk into a federal courthouse and cannot pass security because of the underwire in her bra. I knew there was a reason I always avoided underwire. I mean, when I end up in jail, I surely don’t want to be potentially stabbed by a homemade underwire and duck tape shank. On the other hand, if I end up in jail for any reason, perhaps it would be a good idea to be wearing an underwire bra. Good protection…on so many levels!

On top of that, I could combine the underwire and the eyelets from my shoes to make jailhouse jewelry. OK, I think I have something here. The million dollar idea! That’s it! Multi-use tool, made in jail, from underwire, duct tape, and shoe eyelets. The disguised-as-jailhouse-jewelry-but-really-a-shank multi-tool. I wonder how many cigarettes I could get for each one? Maybe even a Hershey bar or two as well…Off I go to my inventors loft!

Small sacrifices...

2007-10-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

So, it looks like the Incas liked to sacrifice their children: http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/10/02/inca.sacrifices.ap/index.html

It seems to me that this could be very useful information for those who have unruly children. I mean what a great motivator! We had several attitude adjustment tools when I was growing up: Everything from “Just wait until your father gets home” to “Do you realize how badly this behavior can affect your father’s career!”. But the absolute most effective punishment I could barely endure was the silent treatment. Dad would just spank us and then send us out to play because it was over. Mom, on the other hand, would not speak a word to us for weeks. I would have rather been beaten to a pulp than have to endure that cold, wretched silent treatment that made me feel two inches tall. And by the way, it still works.

So, for those parents out there who are at their wits end because you cannot legally discipline your children in the manner you would like to at times, print this article out, add cool and disgusting graphics and perhaps some creative details, and paste it on the back of the bedroom door. All you’ll need to do from here forward is point to that door.

The only downside I see here is the food. According to this article, the Incas prepared their small sacrifices for up to a year by feeding them better and cutting their hair. I don’t see the sense in that. I think that adding potential starvation diets to the realm of motivational attitude adjustments just might help the situation. But then basements and chains just might be a necessity. OK, I am getting just a little carried away and too complicated now. I think I’ll stick to the cool and disgusting graphics with some creative details on the back of the door. Good luck, Parents of the World!

Government Funding

2007-10-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

Mom's words

2007-09-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

This is too brilliant! I dedicate this to my sister.

Delicious Anticipation

2007-09-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

My contribution this week for 55 Fiction Friday (http://wordybitch.blogspot.com/)

She barely touches me. Not feeling her touch, but perhaps her breath as her lips glide over the hair on my skin. My body takes in a quick gasp of breath as she surprises me with the touch of her hand on my back. The delicious anticipation of the ensuing hours takes my breath away.

I will never enjoy a flavored drink again...

2007-09-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

Football-flavored sodas for sale (http://money.cnn.com/2007/09/28/news/funny/bc.apfn.jonessoda.newfla.ap/index.htm?cnn=yes)

I can think of quite a few flavors of sodas I would like to at least think about trying. However, the thought of drinking something labeled “perspiration”, “dirt”, or “sports cream” actually makes me vomit just a little bit in my mouth. I mean, really, folks!

I think that this is just going to have to be saved for one of those famous deck-night conversation where, after many cocktails, we can easily expand on the delights of flavored drinks. Personally, I have delighted in accidentally tasting perfume, body lotion, and suntan oil. Yum! Of course, partaking in the activities involved while tasting these not-so-palatable items certainly trumped the pain of the actual taste. And there have been occasion where sweat was involved, but at that point, it can actually be quite excitable.

I have never, however, though of locker-room sweat in the least bit sexy or desirable. Having grown up in locker rooms, I have vast experience in the smells that are closely associated with a not-so-fresh-right-after-a-game shower and changing space. And, so, to make my point one more time (here comes that vomit again), GROSS!

The true art of fighting

2007-09-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Another news flash that just got my creepy mind going...I saw the headlines "Police Question Armless Man in Neighbor's Death" (http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14138164/detail.html). For those of you who might accidentally find this blog, read this blog, and become offended by this blog...too bad. There is a death involved, but this is still just entirely too funny to pass up. And you can always just change the channel…

So here's the deal: Evidently, two neighbors were arguing over a woman. Ok, nothing new there. Personally, I have never argued over a woman... perhaps about a woman, and certainly with a woman, but never over a woman. Anyway, the armless guy and the neighbor allegedly (according to a witness) somehow managed to get into a fistfight. Now THAT’s talent! Personally, if I ended up in a fistfight with an armless man, I would have to run. RUN, FAST, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. I mean, Come on folks, how can anyone face society after getting into a fight with an armless guy. I can just imagine what was going through this guy’s (the guy with arms) mind. Not there wasn’t any “duck” or “POW!” or anything like that.

Embarrassing. Spineless. Demented. These are some words that come to mind. Then there are the other words that come to mind as the visual of this fight enters the previously mentioned creepy little mind.

OK, so these guys are fighting when the armless guy comes in full force and head butts the crap out of the “armed” guy. The armed guy dies shortly thereafter. So, the Snellville, Georgia Police Departments is questioning the armless guy to determine if any charges will be filed. If there are filed, I sure do feel bad for the prosecutor who is going to have to convince a jury that the armless guy should spend the rest of his life in jail. I wonder if they’ll have to add bars to the cell so the guy can’t slip through?

Popsidoodle

2007-09-06T09:51:00.001-07:00

Today is my Dad's birthday. Unfortunately, he is physically no longer with us to receive the five million phone calls from his children and grandchildren. This is my first experience of not being able to call him, as he left us last November. I didn't think it would bother me too much: we stopped exchanging presents quite a few years ago. But I am finding myself missing him more than ever today.

Dad was tough on us, so we thought. He was the consummate Marine. However, this man loved his children and grandchildren dearly, and he absolutely and proudly adored his wife. As we all love and adore him.

So today, I wanted to share a little about my Dad (this is an excerpt from his Eulogy):

Almost everything you know about my dad was learned by his example. He was courageous, passionate, funny, and loyal. His love was completely unconditional and without remorse. He was a noble man who always wanted to do right.

His values, learned in the Marine Corps, never faltered or weakened. He believed in his God, Family, Country, and of course, the Corps. It's all he ever really held on to. It’s all he needed to believe in and he passed that along in everything that he did….to his friends, to his fellow Marines, and most importantly, to his family.

He thankfully married my mother. It really was a forgone conclusion. From that day onward, there was nothing else in this world that could break his connection with her. She was his everything, surpassing even the Corps. In the era where people gave up easily, my parents stuck through it all. They went on to create a family and a life.

And the best of him is sitting here with us today. My brother, who carries my father’s noble and courageous qualities; My sister, who carries the incredible ability to reach into and feel compassion for everyone she touches; and me.

My Dad was tougher than John Wayne, and funnier than Jerry Lewis. How on earth can I put into words what my father was to me? "Say what you mean, and mean what you say", "Familiarity breeds contempt", "What comes around, goes around", and especially "I'll do anything once" were all things that he continuously said while I was growing up. And he lived by them. His influence on us, and especially me, made a tremendous impact on our lives. He was steadfast in his beliefs and his opinions.

All his grandchildren adored their Grandfather. They will all hold their memories of their grandfather in a very special place. As much as my brother and I declare that it wasn’t fair, all the grandkids had my Dad wrapped around their fingers. And Dad loved it.

Dad always had a story. Many of which became bigger and better throughout the years. We grew up with everything from firefighter stories to Vietnam tales to the eternal tours of duty on the USS Guam. My favorites were how he won a bet by getting a date with my Mom, and how he got busted in rank for stealing telephone poles from the army.

Summer vacations included endless camping in North Carolina, visits to his beloved Capital (Washington), and who can ever forget the drive to Central America. We will always get to trump everyone for the “what I did on my summer vacation” stories, thanks to Mom and Dad.

All of his stories and adventures will live on through us. He will not be forgotten…he wouldn’t have that.

You see, he is still here with us and will always be. We are a reflection of him.

So this day is yours, Popsidoodle. This world is a much less colorful place without you. Semper Fi.

MSGT Clyde W. Sullivan, USMC, Ret.
Sept. 6, 1937 - November 1, 2006

Money well spent

2007-09-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was, as usual, pursing through MSNBC when I found this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20581183/. I admit that I did not read it in its entirety, but one comment came to mind as soon as I saw the headline: DUH! I mean, really folks. Did someone actually spend money and time to determine if drug-taking, massive alcohol drinking, non-sleeping, partying rockers are more likely to die sooner than those who do not live such a invigorating lifestyle? I think that those funds just might have been put to better use for something like, hmmmmm, FEEDING SOMEONE!

I think that I'm going to apply for a research grant to find out a few more things such as:

If a person that is sitting still in vehicle that is moving 70 mph down the highway...are they really sitting still?

Or perhaps I'd like to study the effectiveness of 3-month calendars versus 1-month calendars.

Maybe I'd like to perform a study that will help us understand the psychology of using different sizes and colors of sticky notes.

More to come...as soon as I greatefully accept that grant funding to study why some people prefer to play Scrabble over Yatzee.

Rules for Being a Marine's Daughter, Part I

2007-08-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

In reference to the blog entitled “Rules for Dating a Marine’s Daughter” found at http://sgtredline.blogspot.com/2007/08/rules-for-dating-marines-daughter.html, here are my thoughts in respect to being that Marine's daughter:

Dad,
Don't forget that you are the person who taught me how to put a man in a fetal position with his eyes simultaneously bulging out of socket while rivers of tears stream down his face. This maneuver is called “swiftly kick him in the balls, honey”

You also taught my brother “the stare”. Yes, there is such a look that can come from my older brother that will not only terrify this prospective date, but will leave him having nightmares of the like that will require many thousands of dollars of therapy over the next twenty or so years.

You are the one, my dear father, who requires me to always carry that backpack full of duct tape, mace spray, and that wonderful little M1911A1 that you so carefully taught me to fire, accepting only expert scoring.

Don’t forget about career day at school Mr. TheGreatSantini, when you showed up in uniform and required all students to speak only when spoken to, sit correctly at their desks, and smile when ordered to…all in your best screaming- spitting-in-your-face-butting-your-hat-on-the forehead-Drill-Instructor voice (by the way, where did you get the Smokey bear cover?).

In all honesty, Dear Old Dad, I really appreciate your careful scrutiny of all those I wish to become involved with. And you were right when you explained to me (at 18) that no one will ever intimidate me again (boy, my drill instructors really appreciated that when it was my turn to vacation in Parris Island). But really, can you please stop bragging to my potential suitors that I can kill them 101 ways with a skilcraft U.S. Government issued ballpoint pen?

NASA to begin drug testing astronauts

2007-08-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

Refer to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20495534/ for the full story. As usual, my creepy little brain is finding humor in something like this. Hmmm....who else gets drug tested for their job?

Truck drivers...drive big trucks I can see the sense in that

Athletes...okay, still makes sense...keeps the competition honest

Production Assembly workers....big machines, makes sense

Politicians....some of them need large quantities of drugs, on the other hand, they make decisions while representing me....ok, makes sense

Astronauts...drive big giant rockets that cost our country gazillions of dollars. Can astronauts get DUIIS (Driving under the influence in Space)? If so, what happens? Are their licenses revoked for 12 months? Do they have to perform community service?

"During a Washington news conference focusing on O’Connor’s report, NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said that the agency was legally required to conduct drug and alcohol testing — and that he recently discovered no testing policy had yet been drawn up. He promised that drug and alcohol testing would be implemented."

I have one question. Why do some organizations drug test employees that will only be handling a glass full of soda, AND NASA HAS NEVER DRUG TESTED ASTRONAUTS?

Nuff Said

2007-08-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

Nuff said. Bye-Bye Mr. Gonzalez.

Birthday List

2007-08-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday. At least a minimum of six people have asked me what I would like for my birthday. I have a minor issue with this because I think it is awkward to ask a 43 year old what they want for their birthday (unless you are Mom, of course), so I decided to publish the list. Here goes:

Want for my birthday? I dunno. Better pay, the truck sold, a very cool roommate, about $150K perhaps another Chihuahua for Coco. Add to that world peace, happiness, and love. A new Administration, some new shoes, a new laptop, my yard cut, my car detailed, better golf skills, new glasses, hmmmm...

Did I mention world peace? How about curing world hunger, discrimination, ethnic cleansing, and that damned policy the U.S has that allows any Cuban in the country but doesn't take care of the Haitians. In addition to these small requests, I would like a life-time supply of Diet Coke, Starbucks Mocha Light Frappucinos, popcorn, Birkenstocks, Dr. Martens, and Sebago topsiders. How about a million dollar gift certificate to Old Navy. Aw, Hell. For that matter, how about a million dollar gift certificate to all clothing stores within a 100 mile radius. Hmmmm, I'd really like another Mini Cooper (in addition to the one I have with some small changes like a convertible top and other goodies), Tickets to see Antigone Rising, Brandi Carlyle, and Amos Lee. The new Melissa Etheridge album that comes out next month with tickets to see her in concert when she goes on tour.

So, I'm sure that I will continue adding to this little list, but in the meantime, all of you who really care (yeah, I'm talking to you, Mom), you can start with the Diet Coke.

Un-Sensitizing the de-sensitized

2007-08-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

I was perusing through the daily news today and I couldn’t help but read the article(s) on the not-so-esteemed-Soon-To-Be-Former-Senator Larry Craig. I was reminded of a thought I had years ago when it felt like when a public person is caught in the act of “lewd” behavior, it just seems to be one from the conservative, right-wing end of the stick. I guess it wouldn’t be news if Michael Moore was caught attempting to perform a lewd act in public, now would it!

I have always found this rather amusing because these are the people who are the extremists amongst us. I mean, some of my best friends are conservatives. However, I believe I can safely say that they are also moderates. Which reminds me of the old “everything should be done in moderation” train of thought? In other words, in addition to surrounding myself with a bunch of people who are smarter than I am, I also like a very diverse crowd. But the people I surround myself with are also thinkers and doers. They all realize that nothing is absolute and there is quite a bit of grey area in just about everything…

So, back to the not-so-esteemed-Soon-To-Be-Former-Senator Larry Craig and the extreme right-wing conservatives. Are they really? I mean, how right-wing can a person really be if he/she is attempting to perform lewd acts in public, taking drugs, drinking and driving, etc, etc. Especially if he/she is a public persona, a representative of a conservative party, or even a person of the cloth. So when you get right down to it, many conservatives are not really conservatives. Or maybe they are conservatives only when it is convenient for them. Hmmm, sort of like those ultra-religious zealots who choose to quote scripture to me in an effort to show me what a devious lifestyle I live. They seem to forget about the rest of the scripture that their life doesn’t agree with (i.e., THE ENTIRE OLD TESTAMENT!).

These are the same people that complain about television shows with gay characters, and how that evil box has de-sensitized our society. I think they are right. I think that they have de-sensitized themselves so much by watching these horrendous shows (instead of changing the channel) that when one of them is caught in the act of cruising a frigging airport bathroom , he by all means has the right to change his story (after pleading guilty to a lesser charge), and claim the he is NOT gay. Yeah, right.

I think you just lost major points from your conservative card, Mr. not-so-esteemed-Soon-To-Be-Former-Senator Larry Craig. Just don't think that when you lose this fight, and you will, you will be greatfully accepted into my world.

Public Restroom Etiquette

2007-08-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so let’s begin by defining a public restroom. To me, a public restroom is any facility not in a home. This can encompass quite a large demographic, so for the purposes of making my point, I’ll narrow this definition by specifying only those restrooms in offices. You know which ones I’m talking about… they usually have between tree and eight stalls, a few sinks, and usually a full length mirror. Now that I have clearly defined exactly what type of restrooms I’m talking about…let’s proceed.

I want to address those women who have no idea about personal boundaries. For example… when I am using a public bathroom, I tend to go to one of the end stalls so that I can have just a little privacy. Ladies…what is the deal with having to come into the very next stall, regardless of the fact that there are an additional 6 stalls you could have chosen. Why do some women feel it necessary to have the close-warm-fuzzy violation of my personal space IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM? And then to top it off….SHUT UP! I did not come in here to converse with you. In addition, you are assuming that I even know who you are. Personally, I don’t go around looking at women’s shoes all day just so that I can identify you when you are compelled to sit right next to me in the restroom.

Then there is the “make-up and hair girls”. Here is a hint: If you walk into the office restroom and notice that there is a closed stall door but no noise, PLEASE have the decency to do what you need to do quickly and silently and then LEAVE. You know who you are, Ladies. Did it ever occur to you that that one woman, who is silently praying for you to leave so she can proceed, is attempting to feel a little better and needs some privacy? It should not take you ten minutes to play with your hair and make-up while there is a poor woman in a stall holding it in and waiting for you to leave.

So, after having this conversation with my ever-so-eloquent brother (Who enlightened me with the Men’s restroom rule: The Courtesy Flush), I decided to just vent it out for a moment and remind people that the restroom is not a place for socializing. Nor is it a place to invade personal space. Get in, get done, and get out. Silently. Please.