Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the Bozone layer, unfor-tunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
1. coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, (adj.) impotent.
6. negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, ( n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Quote of the Day
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the expectation of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body; but rather to "skid-in" sideways - Dink in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow, What a Ride"
~unknown, but very wise
~unknown, but very wise
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
This is befitting of the Creepy Little Mind
Am I going to be the only person who finds this hilarious?
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Burn Out
Top 10 Signs You’re Burnt Out
- You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
- Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back!”
- Your garbage can /is/ your inbox.
- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
- You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
- You sleep more at work than at home.
- You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
- You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven’t been able to miss a meeting.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Voting for a woman? What...are you CRAZY?
OK, so I thought that the voting age in this country was set to make sure that those who vote are grownups. I know, I know...not everyone is a grown up at 18. But...
Why is it that by virtue of being a woman and a registered Democrat (Ugh! Why do I even have to register as an anything in the first place...ok, wrong soapbox), I am expected to vote for the woman who is running? I mean, C'mon folks...Really? What happens if I just happen to be Hispanic? The Hispanic guy who was running dropped out of the race. Now what? Am I just supposed not vote, or is there some other type of hierarchy that I'm supposed to follow? So are the only people who have an actual choice White, Christian (or at least Born-again, whatever that is), white-collar, etc, etc?
So, can someone explain to me like a two-year old what I'm supposed to do? For the record, I am:
A Woman
Hispanic
Marine
...and don't forget the good old Lesbo part.... (Which I have to admit is the most fun!)
I wonder if we can put Clinton, Richardson, and McCain in a blender and mix 'em all up and spit out an appropriate choice for me to vote on. Ugh!
But wait a sec. I just realized that I am missing representation here...where is the token Lesbo? Shit...how can we vote appropriately without the tokens? Should I run? Hell, why not! Katia for Prez!!! Look, Ma..my very own helicopter, airplane, office, and everything else. I can create world peace; abolish all weapons, green vegetables, bad music, and weirdoes! Yippee!
I'll be able to push my own agenda regardless of whatever anyone thinks. Ha Ha, too late, I'm in. Joke is on you.
I'll be able to outlaw ugly people driving convertibles, old men wearing spandex, and Halliburton. The Bad Boyz of Blackwater and their cohorts will actually be offered rules of engagement and, well, just Rules in General prior to being sent off to play cowboys with really cool guns for lots of money. I'll declare the Chihuahua as the national dog, popcorn as its own food group, and I'll even fine companies who outsource to foreign countries when there are resources available domestically.
And when I get caught lying to my people, I’ll find something else to get them worried about to distract them from the fact that I lied in the first place. Amazing how I can do that again and again.
I guessed I just digressed into some kind of fantasy world. Sorry about that. I mean, THAT could NEVER happen, huh!
Back to the point. What was the point? Exactly...
Why is it that by virtue of being a woman and a registered Democrat (Ugh! Why do I even have to register as an anything in the first place...ok, wrong soapbox), I am expected to vote for the woman who is running? I mean, C'mon folks...Really? What happens if I just happen to be Hispanic? The Hispanic guy who was running dropped out of the race. Now what? Am I just supposed not vote, or is there some other type of hierarchy that I'm supposed to follow? So are the only people who have an actual choice White, Christian (or at least Born-again, whatever that is), white-collar, etc, etc?
So, can someone explain to me like a two-year old what I'm supposed to do? For the record, I am:
A Woman
Hispanic
Marine
...and don't forget the good old Lesbo part.... (Which I have to admit is the most fun!)
I wonder if we can put Clinton, Richardson, and McCain in a blender and mix 'em all up and spit out an appropriate choice for me to vote on. Ugh!
But wait a sec. I just realized that I am missing representation here...where is the token Lesbo? Shit...how can we vote appropriately without the tokens? Should I run? Hell, why not! Katia for Prez!!! Look, Ma..my very own helicopter, airplane, office, and everything else. I can create world peace; abolish all weapons, green vegetables, bad music, and weirdoes! Yippee!
I'll be able to push my own agenda regardless of whatever anyone thinks. Ha Ha, too late, I'm in. Joke is on you.
I'll be able to outlaw ugly people driving convertibles, old men wearing spandex, and Halliburton. The Bad Boyz of Blackwater and their cohorts will actually be offered rules of engagement and, well, just Rules in General prior to being sent off to play cowboys with really cool guns for lots of money. I'll declare the Chihuahua as the national dog, popcorn as its own food group, and I'll even fine companies who outsource to foreign countries when there are resources available domestically.
And when I get caught lying to my people, I’ll find something else to get them worried about to distract them from the fact that I lied in the first place. Amazing how I can do that again and again.
I guessed I just digressed into some kind of fantasy world. Sorry about that. I mean, THAT could NEVER happen, huh!
Back to the point. What was the point? Exactly...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Things I DON'T Love...
Lies
Texting an entire conversation
More lies
Gangster Rap
Deception (similar to lies, but even more deceitful)
Getting out of control (face it, we all do at times)
Loud, obnoxious, undisciplined kids
Undisciplined pets
more to come, I'm sure....
Texting an entire conversation
More lies
Gangster Rap
Deception (similar to lies, but even more deceitful)
Getting out of control (face it, we all do at times)
Loud, obnoxious, undisciplined kids
Undisciplined pets
more to come, I'm sure....
Even MORE Things I Love...
Reading a very good book on a nice sunny day in a park in a chair, while watching people having fun
My dog
Watching the snow fall (from a nice warm place, of course)
Challenges
Shooting pool
Blowing bubbles
Singing at the top of my lungs when I'm alone in my car, and then laughing when I get caught at the red light
Meeting new and interesting people
Traveling to places I've never been before
Completing a project that was challenging
Did I mention my dog?
Laughing until my eyes tear up
Cooking just about anything
My family, yep, that's right...ALL of them
Crawling into my wonderful bed when I'm exhausted
Ok, crawling into my wonderful bed anytime
Laughing at myself
My dog
Watching the snow fall (from a nice warm place, of course)
Challenges
Shooting pool
Blowing bubbles
Singing at the top of my lungs when I'm alone in my car, and then laughing when I get caught at the red light
Meeting new and interesting people
Traveling to places I've never been before
Completing a project that was challenging
Did I mention my dog?
Laughing until my eyes tear up
Cooking just about anything
My family, yep, that's right...ALL of them
Crawling into my wonderful bed when I'm exhausted
Ok, crawling into my wonderful bed anytime
Laughing at myself
Last Year revisited
Ok, so I lied. 2008 has proven to begin just as badly as 2007 ended. Of course, can't blame anywone else for my poor decision making, nevertheless, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP &^%#q&*^&(!!!!
Hypothetically speaking
In reference to http://mynerdythoughts.blogspot.com/2007/08/rules-for-being-marines-daughter-part-i.html, I have a hypothetical situation in which being a Marine’s Daughter (as well as a former Marine myself) I must share…
The names and circumstances in this post are hypothetical only, and may have hypothetically been changed in order to protect the innocent, or even the not-so-innocent.
So, hypothetically speaking, what would it be like if this Marine’s daughter was to visit the local jail after a not so impressive car accident (I’ll leave the reason for the invitation to the local jail up for one’s imagination)?
Well, from what I have heard….socks are a strong commodity to have while paying a short visit to the local county jail. Evidently, warm socks are not issued to visitors…and if one happens to be wearing warm, thick socks that happen to be white in color, the said person may option to continue wearing the aforementioned warm, thick socks if he or she chooses, during his or her visit.
And, hypothetically speaking of course, what would happen if, while taking a little nap while visiting the local county jail after a non-impressive car accident, the Marine’s daughter opened her eyes only to find two other local county jail visitors staring down at her…well, suffice to say, this is how the (fictional, of course) story would go:
Marine’s Daughter: Can I help you?
Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Nice socks.
Other Tall, Mean looking Visitor: Yeah. Nice Socks. We are taking them from you.
Marine’s Daughter: Ok. But I would really hate to end up with a manslaughter charge while I am visiting this fine facility.
Marine’s Daughter stands up, only to find that she is lacking in stature and required to look up at these other two visitors.
Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: What do you mean?
Other Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Manslaughter? What the hell you talking about, whitebread?
Marine’s Daughter: Well, besides the fact that I am a former United States Marine, I am also a Retired United States Marine’s daughter. And although the Marine Corps definitively taught me how to protect myself, my father taught me not to stop until all breathing, except mine ceases to exist. In other words, I can protect myself from you, but I don’t have any brakes. Hence the Manslaughter charge.
Both Tall, Mean Looking Visitors look at each other, shrug, and quietly back away.
Interesting thing, though. No one else would approach the Marine’s Daughter for the duration of her visit. Hmmmm.
Thanks, Dad. Sempre Fi.
The names and circumstances in this post are hypothetical only, and may have hypothetically been changed in order to protect the innocent, or even the not-so-innocent.
So, hypothetically speaking, what would it be like if this Marine’s daughter was to visit the local jail after a not so impressive car accident (I’ll leave the reason for the invitation to the local jail up for one’s imagination)?
Well, from what I have heard….socks are a strong commodity to have while paying a short visit to the local county jail. Evidently, warm socks are not issued to visitors…and if one happens to be wearing warm, thick socks that happen to be white in color, the said person may option to continue wearing the aforementioned warm, thick socks if he or she chooses, during his or her visit.
And, hypothetically speaking of course, what would happen if, while taking a little nap while visiting the local county jail after a non-impressive car accident, the Marine’s daughter opened her eyes only to find two other local county jail visitors staring down at her…well, suffice to say, this is how the (fictional, of course) story would go:
Marine’s Daughter: Can I help you?
Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Nice socks.
Other Tall, Mean looking Visitor: Yeah. Nice Socks. We are taking them from you.
Marine’s Daughter: Ok. But I would really hate to end up with a manslaughter charge while I am visiting this fine facility.
Marine’s Daughter stands up, only to find that she is lacking in stature and required to look up at these other two visitors.
Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: What do you mean?
Other Tall, Mean Looking Visitor: Manslaughter? What the hell you talking about, whitebread?
Marine’s Daughter: Well, besides the fact that I am a former United States Marine, I am also a Retired United States Marine’s daughter. And although the Marine Corps definitively taught me how to protect myself, my father taught me not to stop until all breathing, except mine ceases to exist. In other words, I can protect myself from you, but I don’t have any brakes. Hence the Manslaughter charge.
Both Tall, Mean Looking Visitors look at each other, shrug, and quietly back away.
Interesting thing, though. No one else would approach the Marine’s Daughter for the duration of her visit. Hmmmm.
Thanks, Dad. Sempre Fi.
Monday, January 7, 2008
More things I love....
Unique Beauty and Unbridled Passion...in all its glory
Candlelight, especially from the smelly candles
Screaming on a roller coaster
Making people laugh
That peaceful, easy feeling
A good cigar with a good drink after a good meal
Babies, of all varieties
Very Sick and inappropriate jokes
A good competition
Foggy nights
Breakfast in bed...ok...well, just about anything in bed for that matter
French Vanilla coffee creamer
and...just in case you are paying attention (yes, you know who you are), I love motorcycle rides.
Candlelight, especially from the smelly candles
Screaming on a roller coaster
Making people laugh
That peaceful, easy feeling
A good cigar with a good drink after a good meal
Babies, of all varieties
Very Sick and inappropriate jokes
A good competition
Foggy nights
Breakfast in bed...ok...well, just about anything in bed for that matter
French Vanilla coffee creamer
and...just in case you are paying attention (yes, you know who you are), I love motorcycle rides.
Last Year
This drawing depicts 2007 for me.
I am happy to report that I no longer think that I can fly.
Nevertheless, I will probably keep on trying.
Welcome to 2008.
Thanks to Justin at http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/139/ for this picture.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Things I love...
Listening to the rain with my windows open
That slow intimate kiss before going to sleep
The sun on my face
Sharing popcorn with my dog
A good cup of coffee first thing in the morning
Holding Hands
That look from across the room
Unspoken communication
Going home
That slow intimate kiss before going to sleep
The sun on my face
Sharing popcorn with my dog
A good cup of coffee first thing in the morning
Holding Hands
That look from across the room
Unspoken communication
Going home
Conquer the world?
I have to completely disagree with this. I believe that conquering the world with any kind of army is an appropriate career choice. I mean, really. C'mon folks...who wouldn't want to run around, especially with an army of flying monkeys, brandishing the golden staff, pounding on the well developed chest, and screaming platitudes of and about yourself! Do you think that potential employers would get it if I put this as an objective on my resume?
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